Men Introspecting
Michael Rainone and Alex Klyatis, who began a men's group nine months ago in Warwick, discussed the venture.
Posting on Next Door about his interest in meeting with other men who grew up without fathers led Alex Klyatis to Michael Rainone, also of Warwick. They began meeting weekly for coffee, forming the foundation of a men’s group, Tending the Fire, which began about nine months ago.
“It was an easy connection,” said Rainone. Now retired, he describes himself as an artist, painter, sculptor and carpenter, who lived much of his adult life in a New York City loft. After a divorce and other changes, he met his current wife in Westchester. However, men’s groups had long been part of his life.
“I’ve been involved with men’s work for 25 years,” Rainone said. “I co-facilitated a group for ten years, the Mankind Project in New York City. I also worked with mixed groups. Men’s groups are a challenge.”
Klyatis had never been involved with a men’s group before, he said. But his work steeped him in personal issues, working for Family Services of Westchester during his twenties and thirties and now as a para-educator at BOCES.
“With men’s groups, the hardest part is getting them in the chair and giving them time to coalesce.” said Rainone. “But when you see what comes back, it’s inspiring, the support as each man speaks.”
“When I posted, that was what I was looking for, a support network,” said Klyatis. “It makes a difference, having men to talk to deeply and honestly.”
The two of them have devised and revised several posters to attract men to the group, but new members tend to be referred by a therapist or woman, Rainone said.
“The meetings are unstructured,” he said. “Sometimes we go around and do check-ins or updates. No topic is set if someone comes with something alive that week. Sometimes we discuss a historical topic or introduce a topic, like intimacy, anger or aggression. Sometimes a man ‘works,’ then sits in silence.”
A new member might then be asked how the silence was for them.
“We start at 6:30 and usually come to a natural conclusion after two hours,” said Klyatis.
“Not all want to speak,” said Rainone. “But if it’s urgent, it’s the man’s responsibility to step in. We do check in, but the question is, how do you take up space in the world? We find the history of family dynamics that way. I feel gratitude after men work together, not afraid to express their feelings authentically. There’s a need.”
“I hadn’t had the physical presence of men to talk to, with the confidence and ability to narrow down their feelings,” said Klyatis.
Rainone pointed out that all discussions are confidential, so participants can feel safe to say anything.
“We’ve come a long way from the strong, silent type,” said Klyatis. “But it follows men. They can’t articulate their feelings to themselves.”
“They’re unable to communicate with family and friends,” said Rainone. “Some have a lot of resistance. But in our group men want to know themselves.”
“Being able to feel, articulate and share their feelings is a tough place for men to reach. It’s tough for them to reach out. They think their feelings are not okay or not okay to share,” said Klyatis.
“Understanding is the booby prize. Knowing how they feel is the challenge. Men talk shoulder to shoulder. Women face each other,” said Rainone.
Meetings have typically included four or five men. Some have come just a couple of times for varying reasons, Klyatis said. Men range from their twenties to seventies. Whatever their age, someone else usually identifies with their situation.
“We’re sensitive about whether we can probe, or people are too tired from the day’s work,” Rainone said. “Meetings are all different. Alex and I may introduce a topic. In updates, usually something comes up.”
He savors discussions about a topic such as a man’s conflict with a partner, when several different perspectives are offered, prompting a perspective shift. The man sometimes returns later reporting a positive change in the relationship as a result.
Rainone sees the group as offering what friendship may not.
“A friend may be supportive but may not ask questions. There’s accountability with the group, checking in, asking, what did you do with that?” said Rainone.
"Outside of the group I probably wouldn’t have asked why.”
The men’s group meets in a donated room at the West St. Episcopal Church.
“The pastor is intrigued,” said Rainone.
For more information about the men’s group, contact:
Alex Klyatis - aklyatis@gmail.com
Michael Rainone - laughingpipe@gmail.com
Community focused news can only succeed with community support. Please consider the various subscription levels.